Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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