New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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