I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
