She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
