Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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