So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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