i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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