I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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