if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
