sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
