My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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