made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
