I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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