it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize