just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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