Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
