I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just pee around me
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i now understand why vodka
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
