i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
