Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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