I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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