she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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