Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize