kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
