I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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