Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
