Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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