my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
