I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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