you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
