How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
