Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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