Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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