i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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