I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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