don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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