if you like me you must not know who I am
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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