he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
