I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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