Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
