you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
