were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize