A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
