you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
