His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
