She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
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