My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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