god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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