guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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