the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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