it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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