Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
