I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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