Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize