I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize