Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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