I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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