Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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